"who teaches a coddled young man that there is joy in life, liberates him from the prison of his own emotional numbness..."
One thing that sticks out to me about this line (and, by extension, the rest of this piece) is the fact that we're always looking for someone to save our soul when we're seeking out a romantic partner.
For me, the tension right now is between how silly it is to assume that someone else can do that, and the bizarre awareness that this is precisely what I'm supposed to want. Yes, it's sophomoric to want someone to fix or "rescue" you are whatever. And yet, when we talk about people's complementary strengths, this is precisely what a good relationship looks like for someone in my position. Baffling.
I think we shouldn't be looking for a relationship to save us, as that implies that without one we are doomed. But on the other hand, I think a partner really can save your soul. And you can save hers. Much love to you, Caleb.
I thought so too. While I was reading this study, I noticed yet another even more interesting study about how females freely move from older, still-dominant males to younger, lower-ranked males. The researcher seems to think that the individual females recognize the signs of male weakening and aging before the rest of the community does. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35355945/
From what I hear from friends, the so called dating scene (assuming online) is mostly a huge disappointment if you are looking for a lasting, loving relationship, not "just" sex (regardless of how the website presents itself), with extremely few notable and envied exceptions. And yet, a very oldfashioned relying on serendipity is considered naïve to say the least, and highly unlikely to happen outside the daydream of the latest rom-com. I don't actually disagree, but have always found that messing with intent just doesn't work for me personally. Things can absolutely happen naturally, by which I mean in our regular lives, rather than in the artificial (as I see it) environment of purposeful, intentional, "down to business" dating and relying on algorithms that match wish lists and deal breaks. I may be extremely lucky, and I mean no judgement here; to each their own as long as it is adult, consensual and at least somewhat honest, "equal", and as free as possible from malevolent manipulation or outright scam. I was suddenly and unexpectedly widowed at 26. Who knows if it would have lasted, for life? for decades? not at all? Now 60, I have had a few relationships with considerably younger and older men, and find the latter far more exciting and satisfying, both in and out of the bedroom. I can usually discern a power imbalance in most relationships among friends and acquaintances (straight or gay/lesbian, fresh or decades long, whether close or far apart in age, maturity, traditional attractiveness, intellectual capabilities, financial level, etc) and I believe it has more to do with who "loves the most" regardless of anything else. I could be wrong of course. I have also found that many older men are not at all looking for much younger trophy girlfriends. I wonder how detrimental that stereotype is. Just my perspective. Wishing love to all. We deserve it just by being born.
Yes, indeed. Finding love is hard. Online dating apps have a very poor success rate but trying to meet people offline is hard too (I don't know when I last met a straight, single man who was remotely close to my age—let alone such a man who might be interested in me). It really is a question of luck. I agree, also, that many relationships contain a power imbalance and that does have a lot to do with who loves more and I think a little to do with who is more content being single, in general. It's certainly not a question purely of age. Good luck to you in all your love adventures!
So on the mark, Iona. I entered the so-called dating scene after my husband of 22 years said, Oh, so Greta Garbo, "I need to live alone." I learned what you so eloquently and with candid vulnerability explain here. You made my day with this piece. Not so by the way: I adored the flick Harold and Maude. xo for this and for finding you through the fab Eric Hoel.
I fear this reply will seem self-promotional--but it's the only answer: Wrote a memoir about the whole experience entitled (Re)Making Love. Way too unusual to have been written as fiction, my favored form. Another big xo to you, Iona.
Iona, I've written a super brief essay--not posted yet--on Virginia's Woolf's _To The Lighthouse_ and I give you a shoutout and would love to invite you to comment, guest write, on it when I post it, but I don't have your email address. Mine is <mltabor@me.com>. I post my paid writing lessons on Thursdays and will post this brief essay free on Sunday. Any interest? xo Mary
As a young man, I was always attracted to older women. I sought a tutor in the bedroom and an ally in life. Not roles easily found in the young
A good motivation!
"who teaches a coddled young man that there is joy in life, liberates him from the prison of his own emotional numbness..."
One thing that sticks out to me about this line (and, by extension, the rest of this piece) is the fact that we're always looking for someone to save our soul when we're seeking out a romantic partner.
For me, the tension right now is between how silly it is to assume that someone else can do that, and the bizarre awareness that this is precisely what I'm supposed to want. Yes, it's sophomoric to want someone to fix or "rescue" you are whatever. And yet, when we talk about people's complementary strengths, this is precisely what a good relationship looks like for someone in my position. Baffling.
I think we shouldn't be looking for a relationship to save us, as that implies that without one we are doomed. But on the other hand, I think a partner really can save your soul. And you can save hers. Much love to you, Caleb.
There is precedent for this phenomenon in our genetic ancestors and cousins, "We show that despite their promiscuous mating system, chimpanzee males, like humans, prefer some females over others. However, in contrast to humans, chimpanzee males prefer older, not younger, females. These data robustly discriminate patterns of male mate choice between humans and chimpanzees.". https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/17113387/#:~:text=We%20show%20that%20despite%20their,choice%20between%20humans%20and%20chimpanzees.
How interesting!
I thought so too. While I was reading this study, I noticed yet another even more interesting study about how females freely move from older, still-dominant males to younger, lower-ranked males. The researcher seems to think that the individual females recognize the signs of male weakening and aging before the rest of the community does. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35355945/
I must check both of these out.
Really lovely read, thank you, Iona.
Thank you, Tamzin!
From what I hear from friends, the so called dating scene (assuming online) is mostly a huge disappointment if you are looking for a lasting, loving relationship, not "just" sex (regardless of how the website presents itself), with extremely few notable and envied exceptions. And yet, a very oldfashioned relying on serendipity is considered naïve to say the least, and highly unlikely to happen outside the daydream of the latest rom-com. I don't actually disagree, but have always found that messing with intent just doesn't work for me personally. Things can absolutely happen naturally, by which I mean in our regular lives, rather than in the artificial (as I see it) environment of purposeful, intentional, "down to business" dating and relying on algorithms that match wish lists and deal breaks. I may be extremely lucky, and I mean no judgement here; to each their own as long as it is adult, consensual and at least somewhat honest, "equal", and as free as possible from malevolent manipulation or outright scam. I was suddenly and unexpectedly widowed at 26. Who knows if it would have lasted, for life? for decades? not at all? Now 60, I have had a few relationships with considerably younger and older men, and find the latter far more exciting and satisfying, both in and out of the bedroom. I can usually discern a power imbalance in most relationships among friends and acquaintances (straight or gay/lesbian, fresh or decades long, whether close or far apart in age, maturity, traditional attractiveness, intellectual capabilities, financial level, etc) and I believe it has more to do with who "loves the most" regardless of anything else. I could be wrong of course. I have also found that many older men are not at all looking for much younger trophy girlfriends. I wonder how detrimental that stereotype is. Just my perspective. Wishing love to all. We deserve it just by being born.
Yes, indeed. Finding love is hard. Online dating apps have a very poor success rate but trying to meet people offline is hard too (I don't know when I last met a straight, single man who was remotely close to my age—let alone such a man who might be interested in me). It really is a question of luck. I agree, also, that many relationships contain a power imbalance and that does have a lot to do with who loves more and I think a little to do with who is more content being single, in general. It's certainly not a question purely of age. Good luck to you in all your love adventures!
So on the mark, Iona. I entered the so-called dating scene after my husband of 22 years said, Oh, so Greta Garbo, "I need to live alone." I learned what you so eloquently and with candid vulnerability explain here. You made my day with this piece. Not so by the way: I adored the flick Harold and Maude. xo for this and for finding you through the fab Eric Hoel.
Thank you, Mary! I hope you're having success on the dating scene. It's tough out there. x
I fear this reply will seem self-promotional--but it's the only answer: Wrote a memoir about the whole experience entitled (Re)Making Love. Way too unusual to have been written as fiction, my favored form. Another big xo to you, Iona.
I shall check it out!
Iona, I've written a super brief essay--not posted yet--on Virginia's Woolf's _To The Lighthouse_ and I give you a shoutout and would love to invite you to comment, guest write, on it when I post it, but I don't have your email address. Mine is <mltabor@me.com>. I post my paid writing lessons on Thursdays and will post this brief essay free on Sunday. Any interest? xo Mary
Sure! iona.italia@gmail.com