I think you've maybe got this a bit wrong. I don't think sexual attraction to another person is dependent solely on beauty, and I don't think beauty is an absolute. Sexual attraction is a mysterious stew. Physical beauty is one ingredient, but so is smell, and what one person finds beautiful may leave another person cold. If this guy has told you that he could love you if only you were beautiful, as if beauty were a thing as measurable as your height, then I think he lacks both self knowledge and tact. The French have the term "jolie laid" for a reason. xoxoxo
Ah, no, he has not told me that he could love me if I were beautiful. That's my extrapolation from his saying that he "just doesn't feel the attraction he needs to feel" and you may be right that I have taken slightly the wrong tack here.
I think you may have chosen to focus on the thing most of us women have been socialised to pin our value on and in doing so, done yourself a disservice. I found myself agahst reading about the lovey things he said about you and your relationship only to discard it on the basis of looks but attraction is indeed about so much more than that. It is hard, especially as women to observe the ways our bodies and faces change and move further and further from the the societal ideal with each passing year, but I am heartened to consider that it wasn't the shallow reason for this man's rejection of you. Not that it makes it any easier to experience but I hope you will not consider yourself unworthy of attraction becuase you dared to experience the joy of existing another day.x
Thank you for your lovely, supportive words. I do think that he had to rule out the idea of a relationship with me (which he otherwise actually wanted) because of physical attraction. He didn't, of course, say l wasn't beautiful. His exact words were "I just don't feel physically attracted in the way I would need to." I don't think this was about assessing or judging my looks, but it WAS about responding to them. I don't find this superficial: on the contrary, I think these responses are bone deep, not accessible to conscious control. I certainly don't consider myself unworthy in any way. I'm just trying to be very honest about what I believe happened here.
When I was single I remember sometimes not being physically attracted to objectively good-looking people. As Nat Case says above, it's sometimes difficult to say why I'm not attracted to people. it's then "is there a spark" thing.
I found your dance mesmerizing and beautiful. Though I can very much relate to my body no longer matching my inner sense of self. I was also a dancer as a younger person, and I think maybe aging and changing is even more fraught for people who were very much embodied in their youth—athletes and dancers and gymnasts, for example.
I’m sorry the fellow wasn’t as attracted to you as he needed to be. Sounds a bit like a dumbass.
Mar 3, 2023·edited Mar 3, 2023Liked by Iona Italia
Wow, that's sad. Amazing that you got him to admit his reason. You're still beautiful and an elegant dancer. And as Yavor says, you're also an incredibly good writer.
I'm a former Brisbanite, so your writing conjured some nostalgia in addition to the appreciation of your writing and perspective I often feel reading your blog. It's such an interesting thing to consider what goes into compatibility in any kind of general sense, and let's neglect consideration that it can be distinctly ephemeral. Beauty and physical attraction are particularly difficult to understand, but I very much like your stoic take on this rejection being dealt on such grounds. As you describe, you aren't responsible for your looks. I do think that we augment the genetic contribution to our appearance in many ways, even the more carefree types in the world, with the sense of style we bring in all sorts of ways. I actually think these can add up to quite the intellectual and creative representation of ourselves, which is also subject to critique by others. I will also suggest, as gently as I can, that while evolution has very obviously shaped our perception, including of human form, that our environment also impacts it dramatically. It's probably about as likely that this chap's personal experience is as responsible for his opinion of your appearance as his evolution. Enjoy the rest of your time down there.
I think you've maybe got this a bit wrong. I don't think sexual attraction to another person is dependent solely on beauty, and I don't think beauty is an absolute. Sexual attraction is a mysterious stew. Physical beauty is one ingredient, but so is smell, and what one person finds beautiful may leave another person cold. If this guy has told you that he could love you if only you were beautiful, as if beauty were a thing as measurable as your height, then I think he lacks both self knowledge and tact. The French have the term "jolie laid" for a reason. xoxoxo
Ah, no, he has not told me that he could love me if I were beautiful. That's my extrapolation from his saying that he "just doesn't feel the attraction he needs to feel" and you may be right that I have taken slightly the wrong tack here.
I think you may have chosen to focus on the thing most of us women have been socialised to pin our value on and in doing so, done yourself a disservice. I found myself agahst reading about the lovey things he said about you and your relationship only to discard it on the basis of looks but attraction is indeed about so much more than that. It is hard, especially as women to observe the ways our bodies and faces change and move further and further from the the societal ideal with each passing year, but I am heartened to consider that it wasn't the shallow reason for this man's rejection of you. Not that it makes it any easier to experience but I hope you will not consider yourself unworthy of attraction becuase you dared to experience the joy of existing another day.x
Thank you for your lovely, supportive words. I do think that he had to rule out the idea of a relationship with me (which he otherwise actually wanted) because of physical attraction. He didn't, of course, say l wasn't beautiful. His exact words were "I just don't feel physically attracted in the way I would need to." I don't think this was about assessing or judging my looks, but it WAS about responding to them. I don't find this superficial: on the contrary, I think these responses are bone deep, not accessible to conscious control. I certainly don't consider myself unworthy in any way. I'm just trying to be very honest about what I believe happened here.
When I was single I remember sometimes not being physically attracted to objectively good-looking people. As Nat Case says above, it's sometimes difficult to say why I'm not attracted to people. it's then "is there a spark" thing.
What you said, Nat.
I found your dance mesmerizing and beautiful. Though I can very much relate to my body no longer matching my inner sense of self. I was also a dancer as a younger person, and I think maybe aging and changing is even more fraught for people who were very much embodied in their youth—athletes and dancers and gymnasts, for example.
I’m sorry the fellow wasn’t as attracted to you as he needed to be. Sounds a bit like a dumbass.
Thank you so much for the compliments. I don't think he is a dumbass. Attraction can't be forced. I think it's his loss, too.
It is indeed.
Wow, that's sad. Amazing that you got him to admit his reason. You're still beautiful and an elegant dancer. And as Yavor says, you're also an incredibly good writer.
Thank you, Shiva!
I'm a former Brisbanite, so your writing conjured some nostalgia in addition to the appreciation of your writing and perspective I often feel reading your blog. It's such an interesting thing to consider what goes into compatibility in any kind of general sense, and let's neglect consideration that it can be distinctly ephemeral. Beauty and physical attraction are particularly difficult to understand, but I very much like your stoic take on this rejection being dealt on such grounds. As you describe, you aren't responsible for your looks. I do think that we augment the genetic contribution to our appearance in many ways, even the more carefree types in the world, with the sense of style we bring in all sorts of ways. I actually think these can add up to quite the intellectual and creative representation of ourselves, which is also subject to critique by others. I will also suggest, as gently as I can, that while evolution has very obviously shaped our perception, including of human form, that our environment also impacts it dramatically. It's probably about as likely that this chap's personal experience is as responsible for his opinion of your appearance as his evolution. Enjoy the rest of your time down there.
Thank you, Nat!
You write incredibly well Iona, every piece is a pleasure to read!
Thank you, Yavor!
This is just so refreshingly honest, relatable and bittersweet. I love how you tie place and nature into it as well. Thank you for writing it.
Thank you, Alex!
The day will come, perhaps even in many of our lifetimes, where the destiny of genetic beauty will be thoroughly renegotiated.
It will be interesting to see what happens to the rules of attraction when it is affordable for most to have a youthful, supple body.
Gorgeously written.
Thank you!