I'm curious. As a child, did you grow up in economic security? [Ah, nevermind. I read another another of your posts mentioning boarding school in England.]
When I was a child, there was a period of time when I was consumed with the thought that not only was I an economic burden to my parents, but that I might cause my entire family to become homeless should I require intensive medical care. I am almost 50 and to this day, I avoid medical care. Along similar lines, I have never once considered entering a profession that didn't promise financial stability. Even the thought of it is anxiety provoking.
My childhood was unusual—but I was always financially secure. Also, I've never had to provide for anyone else or been afraid of being a burden to anyone else. That really would change the equation, I imagine. I'm sorry that you went through that as a child: that must have been very tough. My love to you. x
This is very kind of you. At the time, I, of course, thought it was very normal and reasonable to think this way. It lead to behaviors like me trying to "protect" my parents from the cost of things by returning more change than I received when sent shopping. What this meant in fact was me supplementing store change with part of my allowance or coins I found at home wedged into seat cushions. My parents never noticed.
In my experience, childhood security has a tremendous lasting influence. It's no surprise that rebels, revolutionaries and artistic giants disproportionately come from financially comfortable families.
I am very glad to have found your blog. You write beautifully and I have taken great pleasure in it.
I take your point and I think it's generally valid. But my own personal case is unusual. I was financially secure as a child, but I didn't really come from a family at all (they died) and I certainly had and have no financial support from family in adulthood to fall back on. I'm an outlier in my background, though, and I think you may be correct in general. I would be really interested to see more statistics on that!
And thank you so much for your lovely words. It means a lot to me when people enjoy my writing. x
I think ‘audience’ is misleading without possession attached. Whose audience? Some people’s lives and work have an audience of one. I don’t believe that to be intrinsically bad or unsuccessful (and I think your number is higher regardless).
Seeing how universal it is, not just among artists but also office workers, I expect the struggle with accepting one’s financial state and level of success is more about perception and comparison than it has to do with concrete reality.
Everything comes at a cost; on good days I call it a sacrifice. Something good willingly given up for something better. It hurts more when I don’t realize I’m making it until later, when my preferences aren’t conscious but revealed a la your consumer.
The people I most envy aren’t choosing one particular type of life, starving artist or successful entrepreneur. They’re the people who know what they want and live authentically within those desires. Some are artists, some aren’t. The people I struggle to empathize with the most are those who chase something inauthentically because they feel they should.
If you value money, chase it. If you value something else, chase that. If it hurts sometimes, that’s part of the sacrifice. But I have to think it hurts more chasing the thing you don’t value. (Still the general you.)
I believe I should have stopped after my first sentence. Now I’m left to wonder what my revealed preference to hit send says about me.
Thanks so much for a very thoughtful comment and for your appreciation of my work! I think that there are too forms of anxiety about money—but it's not always easy to disentangle them. On the one hand, there is chasing after money and on the other there are more existential concerns about being able to cover your rent, etc. While the artist can reject the first, very few of us indeed can choose to ignore the latter. (There are a few monks etc who have taken a vow of poverty, but most people are frightened by the prospect of possible homelessness.)
There are a few sentences in Doris Lessing's book Shikasta where she has unsuccessful artists come back to the world as ghosts after they die. It was probably a joke in her part, but it stuck with me :)
I sense a burning need to be free in you, Iona. In this you are a great success
Thank you, Robert! Perhaps you're right.
I'm curious. As a child, did you grow up in economic security? [Ah, nevermind. I read another another of your posts mentioning boarding school in England.]
When I was a child, there was a period of time when I was consumed with the thought that not only was I an economic burden to my parents, but that I might cause my entire family to become homeless should I require intensive medical care. I am almost 50 and to this day, I avoid medical care. Along similar lines, I have never once considered entering a profession that didn't promise financial stability. Even the thought of it is anxiety provoking.
Hi Denny,
My childhood was unusual—but I was always financially secure. Also, I've never had to provide for anyone else or been afraid of being a burden to anyone else. That really would change the equation, I imagine. I'm sorry that you went through that as a child: that must have been very tough. My love to you. x
This is very kind of you. At the time, I, of course, thought it was very normal and reasonable to think this way. It lead to behaviors like me trying to "protect" my parents from the cost of things by returning more change than I received when sent shopping. What this meant in fact was me supplementing store change with part of my allowance or coins I found at home wedged into seat cushions. My parents never noticed.
In my experience, childhood security has a tremendous lasting influence. It's no surprise that rebels, revolutionaries and artistic giants disproportionately come from financially comfortable families.
I am very glad to have found your blog. You write beautifully and I have taken great pleasure in it.
I take your point and I think it's generally valid. But my own personal case is unusual. I was financially secure as a child, but I didn't really come from a family at all (they died) and I certainly had and have no financial support from family in adulthood to fall back on. I'm an outlier in my background, though, and I think you may be correct in general. I would be really interested to see more statistics on that!
And thank you so much for your lovely words. It means a lot to me when people enjoy my writing. x
I envy you your freedom, knowing full well that even in my twenties, I am incapable of making these choices.
Interesting that you envy me, while I envy you for being more sensible than I am! x
I like your work.
I think ‘audience’ is misleading without possession attached. Whose audience? Some people’s lives and work have an audience of one. I don’t believe that to be intrinsically bad or unsuccessful (and I think your number is higher regardless).
Seeing how universal it is, not just among artists but also office workers, I expect the struggle with accepting one’s financial state and level of success is more about perception and comparison than it has to do with concrete reality.
Everything comes at a cost; on good days I call it a sacrifice. Something good willingly given up for something better. It hurts more when I don’t realize I’m making it until later, when my preferences aren’t conscious but revealed a la your consumer.
The people I most envy aren’t choosing one particular type of life, starving artist or successful entrepreneur. They’re the people who know what they want and live authentically within those desires. Some are artists, some aren’t. The people I struggle to empathize with the most are those who chase something inauthentically because they feel they should.
If you value money, chase it. If you value something else, chase that. If it hurts sometimes, that’s part of the sacrifice. But I have to think it hurts more chasing the thing you don’t value. (Still the general you.)
I believe I should have stopped after my first sentence. Now I’m left to wonder what my revealed preference to hit send says about me.
Thanks so much for a very thoughtful comment and for your appreciation of my work! I think that there are too forms of anxiety about money—but it's not always easy to disentangle them. On the one hand, there is chasing after money and on the other there are more existential concerns about being able to cover your rent, etc. While the artist can reject the first, very few of us indeed can choose to ignore the latter. (There are a few monks etc who have taken a vow of poverty, but most people are frightened by the prospect of possible homelessness.)
All things in moderation.
>I’ve always been irresistibly attracted to activities that offer very little earning potential.
That's been my life :) At 53 I should know better, but just quit a well paying job to stick to the program.
Haha. It's good to be consistent, I guess! x
There are a few sentences in Doris Lessing's book Shikasta where she has unsuccessful artists come back to the world as ghosts after they die. It was probably a joke in her part, but it stuck with me :)
Appropriate for this time of year! (See my next issue for more details: it's out tomorrow.)